What is Broken Can Be Reforged

I know my faith has faltered. As I look at what slips through my fingers; I begin to realize how much I had tried to keep tightly in my grasp.

As much as I hate to admit this, I do not trust God with my life. I haven’t for quite some time. I do not remember when I stopped thinking that He would provide. Sometime after I started working to help my sister through college, I suppose.

As much as I hate to admit this, I have tried to live my life as though Christ was not the most important thing to me. I haven’t for quite some time now. I suppose I stopped sharing when I stopped caring; but I do not know what happened to prompt this.

And as I sit here typing away at four in the morning, I realize that I have been blind and ignorant of these two things for a very long time. I convinced myself that what I was doing and the life I was living was the one God wanted me on; I lied to myself.

It only took a massive erasure of the things I took for granted before I realized how far I had fallen.

I am afraid of loss. I have nightmares about my family and everyone I love dying and leaving me alone to face the world. I am sure I am not a lone victim of these dark thoughts; but perhaps I am one of the few that refuse to admit the fears that I have.

I am afraid of weakness. I cannot be the perfect person I want to be. I can not pretend like I have no flaws and that my struggles are purely of a material existence. I have spent so much of my life holding my head high, squaring my shoulders, and suckingin my gut. Strong only in appearance. I remember a couple very good friends of mine came to my aid in a time of need some seasons ago; after relating the issues I was dealing with, the first reaction of my friends were akin to shock.

“I did not even know you were hurting. I mean, you always seemed to be the one who had it all together.” Not an exact quote. My friends made it clear that they always wanted to support me, and help me through those things that I struggled with. But I had hidden my weakness from them, and never let them see my wounds.

Perhaps these two fears and these two admissions are tied; I fear my loss therefore I do not trust my God. I fear my weakness so I do not let Christ be my life.

At this point, I am such a specter of a proud soul that I find myself hemorrhaging my life struggles and my fears to all the wrong people….to those that do need my strength….to those that cannot help my weakness.

I suppose the news is not all poor; along the way the Lord has shown me the lives that He wants to heal. He has broken my heart for those I once held in contempt; he has removed the bitterness that once lay dormant in my soul. I find my first reaction upon encountering adversity to be one of pity and disappointment, as opposed to the anger or frustration of my earlier days.

For what is a soul outside the arms of Christ? Merely a miserable child cutting himself to confirm his existence, to know that he can feel.

How can I feel anger against those who know not what it means to be?

The future I do not fear. As I finish out this minor looking glass into my life, the clock comes to the providential hour of the rising sun; or five in the morning, as it is more commonly known. I have come to the conclusion that despite being able to philosophically understand that no event in my life is completely under my control, I am only accepting this to be true in my heart as I type these words. Thus the future holds no fear for me. I was not in control before, and I will not be after. Instead, I look forward to losing the faith I put in myself and find my faith in Something else.

Life?

This letter isn’t going to be a “here are your problems, and this is how you fix them” letter. Because, to be honest, the problems you are having are outside my ability to understand.

High school was so much easier, right? People were simpler and life was less volatile...less serious. Now living is full of gross responsibilities and people learning to deal with how life really is and we still want to do things we like but now there are sacrifices and we need to make some but no one wants to make them because we like all our stuff and sometimes they just are taken from us and and but and then when we ksdgu ohdfig hdsfAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Sound familiar? Probably. I could tell you everything is going to be ok, and I am always here for you to vent to; but, the prior is a lie and the second is a Band-Aid.

So here is a bit of truth. Life is never safe, you don’t get what you want in the end, and the person you bet everything on will leave you with scars and a bleeding, wounded heart. You will regret decisions, and some paths unfollowed will cast you into daydreams that only hurt all the more for their beauty.

Also truth: Life is beautiful. The person you bet everything on will make you happy and bring tears of joy to your eyes at times. God will send you a gift basket full of chocolate and happiness. And the end of it all, you will be able to say you loved and fought. You will be able to say you took a chance to live as full as you can, and that choice was yours to take.

Buuuutttt Ralphhhhhhhh…….that doesnt help meeeeeeeeee.

Nope. It does not. But here are some things that can help one gain perspective. Things that can motivate someone to chin up, dust off, and stand up ready to knock out or be knocked out again.

First. Own your choices. Do fall into the temptation of blaming experiences or trauma for the person you are. “Life is never safe.” There is one thing you control in this universe: yourself. Admit to yourself that you made a choice and that it had consequences. One cannot recover or release stress from a consequence that they refuse to admit they played a part in.

Second. You are not responsible for making everyone happy or not displeasing anyone. The Lord said “You will be hated by all  for my name’s sake.” You are Christian, someone must hate you. No sense in attempting to keep everyone happy. Also relevant: You can not make anyone happy, ever. This important to know.The joy in a person’s life is entirely their own. There are things you can do to influence someone to have joy and things you can do to influence someone’s day to be worse (see “First” for more information about owning your choices.). But neither is you forcing them into joy or depression. Knowing this, there is a follow up to not being responsible for other’s happiness.

Third. You are responsible for maintaining your own joy and self value. Guess what? You are intrinsically beautiful and amazing to behold. Are you special? Maybe, maybe not. Being special does not make one have more joy. Instead, the important thing is that as a human being, bearing the imago dei, especially one human being saved in the love of Jesus Christ, you have no reason to allow the world to tell you that you do not deserve joy. One does not deserve joy. We are all screw ups, slobs, let downs, push-overs, back-stabbers, and murderers. We have joy because can choose joy through Christ.

Fourth. Be genuine. This is not the same as be honest. Being genuine means your kindness is never forced and your smiles are never false. It is the culmination of “First,” “Second,” and “Third.” Helping someone, loving someone is much more effective and much more real when one can say their mean every word that leaves their mouth.

RALPH. BRO. STILL NOT HELPING ME.

How-to tips:

1. You need alone time. Hours a week, at least minutes a day. Alone time means without your phone or computer. Alone time means just you and your thoughts. Maybe an animal.

Personally, I love doing this at night. Sitting outside with my dogs, smoking a cigar. This is important time, not to relax necessarily, but to let myself feel. Especially in America today, it is super hard to find time to just FEEL LIFE. To just let myself be depressed or happy or ecstatic. It is necessary for our minds to be able to let go and move on. To talk to God; ask him silly questions like why pugs are the cutest dogs ever or more serious ones about why I can not seem to stop doing thing I know hurt myself. Invaluable, this time is.

2. Accept loss. Do not avoid pain. It is akin to avoiding going to the doctor for an injury. the result is usually just more pain. “Life is never safe.” It is a truth. Loss and pain will happen, sometimes frequently. Cry. Weep and hurt and know that you are in pain. Then you can heal.

3. Keep smiling. Make a joke when everything is crashing around you. Akin to spitting on Satan’s joy, making a joke when Life is ruining yours is a good way to hold onto your joy.

“Well I didn’t like the paint on that house anyway. Finally get a better colour now that this one is ashes now.”

Dark humour helps cope, and it isn’t fake. Dark humour acknowledges that the pain exists, but tells the pain “Fuck off, you don’t own me.” Own your choices, and own your life. It is yours. Love it because it is yours.

Life does not have a handbook, but hey. These are things to live by. Try it.

Colder Walls and the Emptiest of Spaces

One may find it strange that I will miss that home. The new house is much cleaner. The new house has not weathered damage enough to destroy three houses. The new house is bigger.

One may also find it strange I just started thinking of that place as home. A compilation of walls and furniture, my home was never my home until memories were there. Sure, I had experiences at that location before. But nothing made it my home until people came through. Many people. People who stay, people who smile.

There were always smiles. Even when there were tears, there were smiles. The people that lived in that home knew how to cry, but they mastered how to smile. Laughter was a common sound to resonate through that home. Laughter draped the halls and smiles became banners along the walkways. Tears are temporary; but smiles can live forever.

Smiles stay with a house. Memories are the sprites of the mind, casting shadows and images on walls from the timeline of our lives. Smiles become as much a part of the house as the dents in and the color of the walls. That was the chair from which I first opened up and shared with my family. That hallway is where we always stalled our sleep with quite long discussions of life, love, and the mysteries of the universe. Life has a way of splashing across the walls we inhabit.

Maybe that is why I will miss that house. It seemed to represent our little crew of people trying to make it through life. We have been wrecked from inside. We cover up a little; we paint the exposed concrete.

There are still scars, however. One can replace the drywall, but that does not replace the damaged pipe that flooded the carpet, destroying it. That is what our family is I suppose. We are all broken people, doing our best to shelter and take care of each other.

Shelter, That is what that home represented: “Hey, we are all beat up and broken too. No judgments here. Just four walls for those who want a place to call home. That home was always open. We never had much, but we would always share. People made the house what it was. It did not matter what the condition of the house was; a friend knew what it meant: shelter.

The new house is also shelter. It will also be memories. But it has not earned it yet. And those walls will be missed. I will miss my home. But I will forge new memories here. With these clean walls, and this whole house. Welcome, Friends. Here is shelter.

Loving Them

As a Christian, one's first thought should always be "how do I love them?" and not "what is their sin?"

For an idea that would appear fairly simple, the topic of homosexuality has acquired some rather odd nuances to its discussion. There are few things that a homosexual person is, and there are many things that they are not. To delve into the proper way to speak to and behave around the aforementioned people, one must first understand what kind of people they are.

 A homosexual person is still a person! The most defining characteristic of a human being is their humanity, with no regard to their sexual orientation or character attributes. In the love of Jesus Christ, a believer must recognize and know that a homosexual person is a person made in the imago dei (God-Image) and most definitely possesses a soul.

Everyone is a sinner, and everyone who has sinned must pay the same penalty. The only difference between the sin of the saved and that of a non-believer lies within the penance Christ has paid for the sins of the saved. In the eyes of the Lord, homosexuality does not warrant a different ultimate consequence than a simple lie or act of envy.

Homosexuality is not contagious. It is not a disease. One will not become homosexual by spending time with homosexuals. One will also find that the strong majority of homosexual people will not attempt to sway one to homosexuality if it is not their desire.

Homosexuality is neither a genetic fact of one's life, nor is it necessarily a freely made choice. The American Psychological Association (APA) describes sexual orientation as "refer[ring] to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to men, women, or both sexes" and "most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation." The APA is not saying that homosexuality is an immutable fact of one's life. However, attraction to a specific gender is, like any other psychological trait, is a result of heritage and the environment one was raised in (commonly referred to as nature vs. nurture). 

So what is a Christian's response to an encounter with a homosexual person? To love them just as Christ loves us. In Luke 15, Jesus describes to us, through three parables, how he views a lost soul. God and the Heavens rejoice at the redemption of one soul. A Christian knows this, and should strive with his utmost strength to live as one who loves and cares for their homosexual friends. When you love and care for someone, their sin becomes much less important when juxtaposed with the impending loss of their friend's soul.

So how does loving the sinner work, if a believer finds themselves in the position of not being Jesus? A believer cannot dismiss the iniquities of another human being. A believer can remember, as Paul remembered in 1 Corinthians 15:10, that the believers are only saved because God saved them. 

A Christian is not responsible for converting the soul of a non-believer. A Christian is only responsible for sharing the love, grace, and word of God. No person can force another human being to believe in something they do not wish to believe. Knowing this, a believer can relax. The Christ-follower can worry not about the number of souls they have saved, and instead focus on the relationships they have established.

This is not taking a stance and pointing a finger at the sinner, telling them about their damnation. 

This is not turning every conversation into a Jesus sales pitch.

This is living a life of joy. 

This is reaching out a hand and telling the sinner that they are loved; they are loved by you and the Lord. And that nothing will satisfy their desires and emptiness until He fills their heart.

This does not translate to "curing" homosexuality. Homosexuality is not a virus working its way into the Modern Era; it is a sin like all other sins, rooted in the privation and corruption of something good. Prayer and biblical counseling (from those wiser or with more knowledge than the typical believer) should be involved. No individual will change their mind about their sexuality unless they come from a heart of genuine understanding and repentance. Do not force the issue; but, instead allow God to work within the hearts of those you have spoken to. Trust that He will work as He sees fit and know that you have no ultimate control over the outcome no matter what.

So how does a Christian treat the homosexual individual? Just like any other non-believer: with love, mercy, and the desire to share with them the only thing that matters in this volatile and unpredictable performance we call our mortal lives.

I Left.

I threw my boots in the trash hopper; they followed the partially destroyed pumas I had just been wearing. I wore those pumas to work every day for the last two years, just to switch into the equally worn and torn boots I purchased from Wal-Mart shortly before my first day.

Walking to the parking lot in my mid-calf high white socks, I am sent off by three more co-workers, all of whom I will miss. I get to my car and realize I forgot one of my favorite co-workers; he must have been off somewhere else on the grounds when I went around shaking hands. I write him a quick Facebook post before driving away. I couldn't walk back through the gates; I wouldn't want to leave.

Strange, it was, how I, for a very long time, wished nothing more than to be gone from those windowless, concrete confines loosely judged to be an office space. Now all I can think about are the people inhabiting those spaces; they became so normal to me. So much a part of my life. Something I had never counted on: I actually care about my former coworkers. I care about how my job is done after I leave; I care that someone remembers that those guys in Wyoming had us quote those 24" fittings out from MRC and never got back to us. I care about whether or not that company gets us those credits they owe. I care. And so, as I sat in my car thinking about the coworker I missed on the way out, I knew I could not walk back in through those gates. I would not be able to come back out to my car until 3:30, when I send my time card to the receptionist and clock out for the week.

I often wondered what I would do if I could go back two years and change something. Go to college right out of high school? If I could have gone to UCSD instead of working for two years, what kind of man would I be now?

I would still work. I do not know the man I would be without the two years at KSFM; but I sure as hell know the man I am now. And this man I can be proud of. This man started with nothing but his name, left with nothing but his name, but became confident and capable somewhere between. And this man met a wonderful woman, gained the best of friends, and discovered a whole new world for him to be a part of and enjoy.

So if I could go back two years and change something, what would I change? Why, I would ask for a raise a hell of a lot sooner; that is what I would change.

Here's to you, my lovely coworkers. I'll smoke to that.